A Journal of Recovery
Reflections on writing and artwork done along the way to give testimony to the God of love, the Alpha and Omega.
A step forward and joy in the healing miracle!
It is a bumpy and long process, little by little the pain recedes and joy comes forward. It is an up and down process with an upward trend over time. Two steps back, three steps up etc. Over the rainbow - in color now.
Spiritual Foundation
A spiritual foundation helps. Recovery is a continual blessing of miracles to great for words. "Let your light shine" and give glory to the creator who has power over darkness and evil. Original sketch in black and white.
Release
Dissociated parts created by programers- released, I believe that integration is a critical part of healing. Taking back the whole mind/body to function in the likeness of Jesus. All survivors differ in approach, as all have unique sets of experiences we also have different paths to recovery. The depth of the spiritual damage can not be underestimated. From Satan is god to love of the true God. In high school I was unable to write an assignment about God, I wrote "God does not exist so I can not write this assignment". I looked up Jesus in the encyclopedia and was shocked he was real and had lived on earth.
Tears
Tears in my heart
the tears of a child
Tears in my heart
tears that will never part
Tears in my heart
tears of abandonment and loneliness
Tears in my heart
Why? Why? would a child have tears in their heart?
Tears in my heart
because those most loved and trusted
forsook true love for selfish love
Tears in my heart
for being the survivor of a terrible plot
no one ever asked me if I wanted a part
Tears in my heart
Emotions
It is a miracle how trauma is stored in the body on a cellular level- muscles, joints, ligaments, and the nervous system held to be processed later in safety. Similar to how a combat veterans survive combat. All must be released and cleared so the bio-electro-chemical physiological systems can be restored. As a result of programming for trafficking I had no gag reflex, unlike sword swallowing where reflexes are overcome by relaxation, mine were the opposite. I celebrated my first "barf-day" as a major victory. Body memories do not lie.
Suicidal Inclinations
Collage is common in recovery work done by 'cut and paste' from magazines and is a popular therapeutic method to uncover complex feelings difficult to express. My first doctor told me I had to make the choice to live with my experiences. I made that choice and never went back.
Be Happy Don't Worry
Coping With "Just Smile"
A world where no one cry's or grieves or is angry, for these are "negative" emotions. no one hears pain or sufferings. Hunger, war, death, fear in this world do not exist, along with all the "negatives". "Negative" feelings and experiences are contained within a concept of time and vanish as non-existent. And in this wonderful world of endless joy the naked inhabitants exempt themselves from error by being so blinded by the brilliance of their sunny joy that they hear not their own negative words. The little words no and not. Webster defines these as negative. Negativism of criticism. So as I hear do not cry or do not be angry and I am told not to talk, to feel, I wonder why? Why is there such a thing as negative listening? Or listening for negatives instead of warm hearts open to truths. I watch the heavens when they are stormy and gray. I feel the fierceness of the winds first before the storm. When then finally the downpour comes, I wonder why again. Why is it the skies can cry and storm and the earth welcome the tears and opens it's very heart to absorb them. And afterwards the silver lining and the sun return to fill with love the empty sky. And all the past rains produce the life we see and feel today. So to those who do so choose to live without the rain, to those who wish to righteously judge and point a finger. I positively say BE REAL, FEEL.
Gratitude
God provides what is needed, learning to rely on his guidance and direction as he provides. Special people and gifts along the way are always appreciated. Very few people have the spiritual foundation to support survivors in a productive way.
DID
Dissociative personality "disorder" is a way to function at a higher level. DID Previously known as MPD - multiple personality disorder is created by programmers. Also not schizophrenia a mental illness. It to two years of thearpy work to open this part of my recovery. Response? Two years are up can't work with you any longer! All grieved the loss of the 'doctor'.
Becoming Acquainted
As conscious awareness reveals new parts it is important to accept, acknowledge, and understand the role each part performed. Next these parts needs to heal and begin to work together. In time switching becomes conscious and ultimately this opens the door to integration.
Reorganizing
Some parts are programmed, by the 'bad' guys and they need to go. To be able to live by our own free will we must eliminate programming to the extent possible. I'm not sure if we can accomplish this completely, however it has always been my goal.
Progress
Moving toward unity of self. Always grateful for the miracles. Time out to appreciate progress is important as well. Looking back can help in difficult times, recognize how far you have come.
Integration
Many parts heal and combine to be one a little at a time. When disassociated a person can "lose time". Lost time occurs when there is an unconscious switch between parts. Wearing a watch can help a person gain awareness, to stay "present". For me it is important to re-integrate the mind/body and to eliminate programmed alters.
Trafficking
There are a specific set of emotional consequences and damage as a result of trafficking. My trafficking included pornography, prostitution, satanic snuff films and honeypot entrapment. I compartmentalized healing into trafficking, rituals, and programming. There isn't always a clear cut line between them as programming tends to overlap with everything.
Demonic Possession
Not programming (mkultra torture based) and not DID. This is a spiritual battle and my release was though Jesus.
Most people don't get this, even doctors and the cults take advantage of this. This was the result of being sacrificed to Satan and my genetics, not by my choice. Two demons took complete control of the body - "it looked as though you were thrown across the room". It is a special brutal form torture to resist.
Mark 9:29 "This kind can not come out except by prayer."
Grief
Learning the grief process and repeating it many times over. A mother who never was, father who never was, children lost, childhood lost, adult life achievements lost, motherhood and etc. I dedicated a cross stitch for each of my children. Each stitch was time I spent with them. For years I could not even acknowledge that they had existed.
It was in the depths of my grief work that I experienced an angel wrap it's wings around me in comfort.
Progress?
This "Award" certificate was a consolation when I was expelled from the an incest group. My "stuff" was to hard for them to deal with. Time to start dealing with "ritual abuse", this was not only incest it was "ritual abuse".
SRA & MKultra Programming
These differ somewhat is predominant feelings and in other ways, pictures will explain it best.
Programming Memories
Extreme suicidal thought and emotional overwhelm predominates and precedes these memories - per programming. However I have learned this telltale marker. The feelings & thought is generally completely disconnected from anything. It is a time for extra self nurture. However breaking self destructive habits comes first. Learning to not fight by recognizing you already survived, now walking back through the memory.
Body Memories
Initial programming trauma - around 18 months, pre-verbal designed to split the core personality. Re-experienced in the body-as a 'body memory'. As the experience is re-lived the adult mind can interpret what the bodily sensations are. The audio portion of video captured during the session would be impossible to imitate, it is clearly that of an infant crying, without the capacity to verbalize. I had serious hip injury as a result. My pelvis rotated counterclockwise and tilted up, this caused a domino of issues up to my neck and back. Again years of body work and retraining my body to reposition itself. The emotional releases and body work all help.
Don't Talk
Programming-Chinese New Year is always hard, but this one also speaks to the "don't talk" program. It was the first I dealt with. I was terrified to leave my home. It took weeks to build the courage. Then repeated efforts to 'desensitize' the body so it doesn't respond to the programmed fear - you talk you die and we see you always. There was a China element in my early programming. Chinese restaurants took a similar and long healing process.
You Are Evil
Programing convinces you are are the evil and this is also the split brain programming. Years of healing, on multiple levels and uprooting the belief that I am evil. I am far from perfect. However embracing the grace of Gods forgiveness through his son allows us peace of mind. The ransom sacrifice, accepted first intellectually and eventually in the heart heals.
Alone
Programming again - designed to accomplish this
Alone in the world
alone as a child
In a big world
love was denied.
Alone in the world
alone in pain
all the pain contained in the world
all in the heart of a child
Alone in the world
abandoned to cry silently
so many tears in the world
of the children who cry silently
Why are they alone in the world?
Because selfish love has cut this world
the world of the child
becomes a world of alone.
Survival
Programmers force the child to find creative solutions to survive. Locking away my heart to keep the evil out. Great way to survive, difficult to undo. Everything was compartmentalized. In the beginning it felt like my mind was a switchboard and all the wires were tangled and crossed. Left side wires to right side and vice versa. When the split brain healed the corpus callosum reconnected left and right brain function.
Window To The Soul
Programming, dissociated parts the soul itself was fractured. For years my story was to be "Recovery of the Shattered Soul" like a broken mirror there was no way to fix it. Better to clean house and start over. Program was 'Humpty Dumpty' - and there is no way to put humpty back together. Shattered mirrors are also common elements in my programming
Wounded Heart
Oh wounded heart open your doors to meinvite me in for just awhile to knowto accept, befriend and trust.Help me to accept you as you areyour thunderheads of tears that swell within tortured inflamedin pains and agony beyond compareand yet love is there.In the black shrouds of endless guilt a shameful child is buried,no mercy, unworthy, rejected deserving of deathyet you take the child in with a warm embrace.Fury and rage you hold and hold forto not wound others you would rather dieonly when your wound is pierced do you lash outin defense of your woundednessYou long to trust and care for yourselfand others, but do you dare?One more rejection you cannot bare.Courage you have to try and trybut fear that your love is not pure keeps you imprisoned so alone.Oh wounded heart your greatest fear isthat you also are unpurewhat motives lurk withinthe wounded heart? Is it pure love or the enemyselfish love.
Evil
Enslaved to commit evil acts - but not wanting them in my heart. Impossible task! I didn't want any of it, but what to do with it? From my earliest recollections I fought inside against evil. I had no concept of God, but I still spoke in my heart. God reads our heart, Satan can not. The programming convinces the evil is in our hearts - it comes from us.
Silenced
No mouth - no voice, can't talk programing is a common theem in my work. In my kindergarten picture I had ring curls and a black velvet dress. I could see the pain in my eyes, however I was also trained to smile and not show it. I lost the picture, but still remember it.
Ritually Aborted
I was a "breeder" as such children are ritually aborted, raped and murdered.
Ritually Aborted 2
An example of dammed if you do and dammed if you don't another one of my programs. Emotional overwhelm with no solution. You do what they say torture or they torture your disobedience.
Tightrope to Hell
The life of a breeder. More on ritual abortions
On The Alter
Ritual abortion performed on the alter for Satan.
"Screams in the night"
Rituals
I hear a million screams in the night
from the depths of my soul.
The downpour of rain around me
muffles the agony in eerie silence
of screams in the night.
My soul sleepeth not,
in memory of the souls crying out.
Small hearts of children
the children who lost the fight
still drown within my mind.
And in the night of my restless turmoils
again the pain surges forth
A silent pain with no companion
to mourn the deaths of children who died
with a million screams in the night.
Who was there for them? To comfort, to hold
to mourn, to lay them to rest?
Who was there to tell about the way
they had to die, so young, so helpless and forlorn?
Who can see the wild fear in their eyes?
Who can see their tear stained faces,
swollen bellies, little bodies broken
and bloody lying on the floor?
Who laid them to rest in a peaceful grave?
They did not have the right.
Thus the silent scream lives on in my heart in the night.
Living in Hell
The original of this was done as a magazine mosaic for a high school art class. This was prior to my having any conscious memory of ritual abuse. It was lost in my efforts to escape, so I re-created it as a drawing later on. One of the ways kids talk.
It reminds me of a history teacher who signed my yearbook "hell is where you find it, will you?" I thought, yes it's right here on earth.
Ritual Majick
After the rituals there are cannibalistic orgies with body parts. The demonic/evil energy of the satiated spirits is palpable.
Captured
The programming is designed to keep one captive. Without dismantling it we are much more vulnerable to re-abduction. A big part of dismantling it is releasing programmed alters/parts. Breaking the programming brings up intense suicidal inclinations. This is programmed to come as an automatic response - as your body breaths without thought or effort, just a response.
Slavery
The feelings of being held captive to cult by programming. Part of the programming includes an all seeing component (eye or demon) that can see you always. It knows if you are talking or in anyway out of step. I believe that the demons are able to see some things, but not like God who sees the heart. Learning to trust in God and the protection of Jesus and his angelic armies helped me the free myself from this belief.
No Good
Programming, a series of events designed to produce specific behaviors, self concept, and emotional responses. Pets are also incorporated.
Ritual Sacrifices
In the home of my youth. Yes we had a dark blackish carpet in the dining room and red carpet beyond in the living room. Each room was a differnet color - orange, blue, yellow, red, green, black, pink, purple, white. I think this had to do with programing as there is a house with different color rooms programing structure.
Blood Sacrifice
Rituals are complex emotional experiences difficult to describe. The demonic evil energy is indescribable.
Child Sacrifice
My hand is on the knife, my child is on the alter. I resisted for a time until I realized I needed to end the agony. Birth, rape, murder. I am the evil I despise myself.
Bloodguilt
The responsibility for loss of life is difficult to process. Add to that the loss of life of your own child. Through Jesus sacrifice mankind has the gift of forgiveness. However, after being tortured with bibles getting to there takes spiritual healing and years of work. Spiritual healing involves being able to trust God is love, trust his work, trust is forgiveness.
POP
Put out prostitute, another very complex program. Included a suicide component as usual.
Don't Talk
This girl was used to re-enforce do not talk. I looked into her eyes and in my heart I promised to tell her story. Survivors of complex trauma often have a reason for surviving. Mine was to tell. There were others, I made an eye to eye connection with them as the only thing I could do to hold them, to apologize for what was happening. The incinerators are what happen to kids who talk.
Duality
We all have a dual nature, a primal ego and a higher self. Learning to accept that as a child the primal instinct of survival ruled. Children can be manipulated to do things adults would refuse to do. Understanding and accepting many of the events we are forced to participate in were not our choice and that we did not have a choice is part of the process that can lead to self forgiveness. It is the perpetrator who was evil, not the child. There is a heavy element of programming invloved here also - programmers are able to literally split left and right brain function. Programming bagan before the ego was even developed. My corpus collasum re-integrated during recovery.
Sensory Deprivation
Another way the abusers break us down for programming. Repeated periods of extreme sensory deprivation, mixed with short periods of human contact. Eventually even the abuse is more desirable. Hanging in meat lockers, pits full of excrement, buried in boxes with snakes & spiders are just a few example.
Electroshock Programming
Again programming is a series of torture. Electroshock, torture, programming with bright lights and messaging - overwhelmed by many emotions opens access to different parts of the mind. 2020 masking requirements triggered the electroshock torture experiences. Light pencil sketch because this was so difficult to remember. This is very early infant programming. The wolf mother was in charge of this one. There were many mothers and this was confusing.
Daisy
A professionally trained child prostitute. By five I was working 'on my own' escorted and transported but expected to do work professionally, or else. Pornography, snuff films, honeypot sting operations. This is my personal Q proof. I've know this happens for years, the outside validation was wonderful.
Recovery is Work
It is a miracle that we survive, another that we recover. It has taken my entire life. From my first steps in high school that prepared me to leave home, to my years of full on recovery work, followed by physical healing from the long term effects of CPTSD and being stuck in "auto-pilot" with my foot on the accelerator. Retraining the body/mind - all of the synaptic automatic functions. Learning how to feel, and as children do how to learn to manage emotions. It is not simple or easy. It isn't only journaling, artwork, talk therapy. All those things may or may not help. For me it is the work of tearing down and rebuilding an entire being.
Self
Learning a new sense of self. Self esteem, self worth. The programming removes any productive sense of self. Self concept is that of merchandise, less than a dog, meat.
Elizabeth
Dedicated to one of my main parts. Elizabeth was an incredible survivor and an amazing child. She grew up in an adult body she is now a part of the whole. Elizabeth loved to wear playful socks, she was an earth-child.
Over the Rainbow
Actually a program. I could sing "over the rainbow" and snap out of about anything. However this was also a program. I refuse to live with programmed behavior. Out! Now I can pick my song, and I rely on God and prayer, not programming!
Life
It is by walking back through the feelings, anger, pain, grief, shame, guilt, and fear that we become alive again. I went from not knowing what in the world the word feeling meant to opening them, releasing them, learning how to live with and manage them productively. A programmed structure of a dead tree, creatively turned to a tree of life.
Thank-you
Thank-you for taking the time to allow me to share this journal with you. It in and of itself is another step forward as I am better able to see the whole. My hope is that it will enlighten and help us all in healing our self and others. We are all wounded in some way, and just because my life is challenging doesn't diminish the struggles of others. I am grateful for my life, for what I have learned, I have lost much, but I have gained much as well.
